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divisional roundup
Texans (4) @ Chiefs (1) — I appreciated that this game was scheduled for Saturday afternoon, the Texans' designated time slot, so that we could get it over with and I could relax and enjoy the rest of the weekend. Unfortunately, that also stuck us with the unbearable booth of Joe Buck and Troy Aikman, who sounded like they were downing a cocktail of hard liquor and haterade throughout most of the game. (Joe claims that they no longer drink while they're calling the games, and that may or may not be true for his own part, but I do not believe that Troy is sober at any time.)
They absolutely melted down over the "controversial" penalties that the Texans drew (that were 100% by the book, whether you agree with the way those rules are written or not) while trying to straight-up murder Patrick Mahomes like they took out Trevor Lawrence earlier this year. The fact that Azeez Al-Shaair refused to even pretend to be remorseful for that incident—like, you can just lie! No one can stop you!—and that his head coach actually backed him up makes me think that something is seriously rotten about the culture of that team. I feel extremely fortunate to have escaped from this game without any serious injuries, but it sucks that we're probably going to get stuck playing this team all the time because their division is weak and they're likely to keep winning it and get shoved onto our schedule.
Even in this highlight of the incredible touchdown that Pat threw to Travis Kelce as he was falling to the ground, you can hear that Troy is still bitching about how defensive players are so hard done by under the rules these days, until Pat literally forces them to first shut up and then grudgingly be complimentary for a while. I could watch replays of that touchdown all day long.
Commanders (6) @ Lions (1) — Jared Goff really Goffed this one up. I've been let down by Jared Goff before—namely, in Super Bowl LIII against the Pats—but I really felt bad for the guy by interception number four. I did not feel bad for a certain subset of extremely obnoxious online Lions fans who were in all the comments sections counting their Lombardi trophies before they'd even made so much as a single Super Bowl appearance for some reason. You're supposed to wait until your team wins multiple Super Bowls and then become completely insufferable about it!
Jayden Daniels looks like he's going to be a problem for other teams for the foreseeable future. You'd never guess that this guy is a rookie.
Rams (4) @ Eagles (2) — Snow game! This one got messy. The Eagles barely held off one of Matthew Stafford's trademark game-winning drives and they're currently favored to win the Super Bowl, since they're considered to have a slightly easier path to getting there in the first place. Exciting for the Kelce household!
It's bad enough that Sean McVay is two years younger than me and he's already been the head coach of the Rams for eight seasons, but people have started speculating that he will retire every offseason. He's not old enough to retire! Why would he retire???
Ravens (3) @ Bills (2) — I was torn about this game. I wanted the Ravens to lose, because it confirms my oft-stated position that Lamar Jackson is an incredibly overrated quarterback who collects meaningless MVPs in the regular season and crumbles in the playoffs and that he and the Ravens, in the words of the scouting report that the Dodgers gave their players about the Yankees, "will self-inflict harm" if you, like, make them play football. On the other hand, I wanted the Ravens to win, because then we would get to play them next. It's not that I don't believe that the Chiefs can beat the Bills, it's just that I believe that both the Chiefs and the Ravens can beat the Ravens, and that's more options.
We're getting a fourth playoff game against the Bills in five years, regardless of what I may or may not have wished for or the line that had the Bills as one point underdogs at home. They're currently two point underdogs in Arrowhead. I'd rather it be less close, but I would certainly take it.
They absolutely melted down over the "controversial" penalties that the Texans drew (that were 100% by the book, whether you agree with the way those rules are written or not) while trying to straight-up murder Patrick Mahomes like they took out Trevor Lawrence earlier this year. The fact that Azeez Al-Shaair refused to even pretend to be remorseful for that incident—like, you can just lie! No one can stop you!—and that his head coach actually backed him up makes me think that something is seriously rotten about the culture of that team. I feel extremely fortunate to have escaped from this game without any serious injuries, but it sucks that we're probably going to get stuck playing this team all the time because their division is weak and they're likely to keep winning it and get shoved onto our schedule.
Even in this highlight of the incredible touchdown that Pat threw to Travis Kelce as he was falling to the ground, you can hear that Troy is still bitching about how defensive players are so hard done by under the rules these days, until Pat literally forces them to first shut up and then grudgingly be complimentary for a while. I could watch replays of that touchdown all day long.
Commanders (6) @ Lions (1) — Jared Goff really Goffed this one up. I've been let down by Jared Goff before—namely, in Super Bowl LIII against the Pats—but I really felt bad for the guy by interception number four. I did not feel bad for a certain subset of extremely obnoxious online Lions fans who were in all the comments sections counting their Lombardi trophies before they'd even made so much as a single Super Bowl appearance for some reason. You're supposed to wait until your team wins multiple Super Bowls and then become completely insufferable about it!
Jayden Daniels looks like he's going to be a problem for other teams for the foreseeable future. You'd never guess that this guy is a rookie.
Rams (4) @ Eagles (2) — Snow game! This one got messy. The Eagles barely held off one of Matthew Stafford's trademark game-winning drives and they're currently favored to win the Super Bowl, since they're considered to have a slightly easier path to getting there in the first place. Exciting for the Kelce household!
It's bad enough that Sean McVay is two years younger than me and he's already been the head coach of the Rams for eight seasons, but people have started speculating that he will retire every offseason. He's not old enough to retire! Why would he retire???
Ravens (3) @ Bills (2) — I was torn about this game. I wanted the Ravens to lose, because it confirms my oft-stated position that Lamar Jackson is an incredibly overrated quarterback who collects meaningless MVPs in the regular season and crumbles in the playoffs and that he and the Ravens, in the words of the scouting report that the Dodgers gave their players about the Yankees, "will self-inflict harm" if you, like, make them play football. On the other hand, I wanted the Ravens to win, because then we would get to play them next. It's not that I don't believe that the Chiefs can beat the Bills, it's just that I believe that both the Chiefs and the Ravens can beat the Ravens, and that's more options.
We're getting a fourth playoff game against the Bills in five years, regardless of what I may or may not have wished for or the line that had the Bills as one point underdogs at home. They're currently two point underdogs in Arrowhead. I'd rather it be less close, but I would certainly take it.