Maybe I shouldn't have done this shortly before going to sleep?

[mayhap]

The Nightmare Pairing Pledge

Courtesy of the lovely mctabby.

I, mayhap, do solemnly swear that my favorite HP character is Severus Snape and my least favorite character is Vernon Dursley. The mere thought of them doing naughty things together makes me whimper. However... given sufficient crack and an infinite number of monkeys, here's how a Snape/Dursley shag might happen (though I sincerely hope it never does, and if it does, I just don't want to know).
Necessary plot device or deus ex machina: Vernon Dursley, nasty closet case that he is (who else devotes that much energy to being normal?), is looking for a gay bar and winds up in a wizarding bar instead. He stays because the robes secretly really turn him on.
Who makes the first move: Dursley propositions Snape, who is about to turn him down as soundly as every other patron of the bar that evening, when he susses out Dursley's connection to Harry Potter.
Positions and/or kinks: Snape uses Legimancy to plumb the sordid depths of Vernon's mind, only to discover that the man positively gets off on the abuse (not to mention the spanking and nappies).
Afterglow: Snape eventually discards Dursley like a used condom. He finds Harry and tells him, "Okay, you win. Your father was not the most insufferable shit ever to walk this earth, and I did not suffer more from him than any wizard before or since. Now can we shag?"
Would I actually read or write this? Um, quite possibly. But only because it'd be funny! Really!

EDIT: Also, my brother stayed home from school today to mourn the loss of his graphing calculator, which he inadvertently left behind when he took the SAT. That's just how cool my family is.

Comments

[baroquestar.livejournal.com]

*shudders at the prospect of Dursley/Snape*

Tho', you've just about given the only plot in which it would be acceptable. ^^

Also, my sincerest sympathies to your brother. Will it be difficult to replace? I would offer him mine, but a basic calculator with fuzzy stickers from my adolescent horsie phase is unlikely to fill that gap.

[azureflight.livejournal.com]

That? Is probably the worst image I've ever had at two a.m. However, as it is two a.m., I am also hopelessly amused. :D

[laislabevita.livejournal.com]

My God, that's beautiful. Do it! Do it!

[anbyrobanby.livejournal.com]

Old man-rimming. Lovely.

[anbyrobanby.livejournal.com]

Say what? Oh...

I've got old-man-rimming on the brain now since last night.

No, wait, that sounded dangerous. I'm digging a deeper and deepr hole for myself aren't I?

Don't read this.

[mayhap]

Heeeee. Thanks. I think. :)

I am not very impressed by human nature at the moment, especially since his name and phone number were engraved on the calculator. My brother, having already given up on human nature when his last graphing calculator, which he inherited from me, was stolen out of his damn locker, is not very impressed with himself. My parents, I think, are planning to replace it after a week, just in case.

[mayhap]

*bows*

[mayhap]

*snerks*

[mayhap]

Hey, other people have gotten their friends to write their nightmare pairings for them ... *pokes*