potentialities

We learned this week on New Heights that Jason Kelce has a conspiracy theory that Gritty is actually a ripoff of himself, because a.) he was introduced after Jason made a big impression with his famous Super Bowl parade speech and b.) he has substantial eyebrows. (Travis doesn’t buy this theory because c.) literally everything else about Gritty’s appearance.)

Had this bombshell been revealed before Yuletide, I would have needed to do a fair bit of revision to incorporate it into my story, but since it wasn't, I shan't.

We also learned that, sadly, Travis has never taken Pat to a hockey game. This is the NHL’s fault for not maintaining a franchise in Kansas City, which would be the most convenient location for them to go on bro dates. Travis yearns to share his love of hockey!

This website attempts to ascertain your personal blue-green boundary by making you look at slight variations on the same greeny-bluey blue-green until you have the chromatic equivalent of semantic satiation and categorize them as either blue or green. It told me that my boundary is located hue 175, which is apparently bluer than 65% of the population.

My blue does not include Travis Kelce's eyes, which I have always held to be very obviously green. I may have even jested about the failing New York Times when they off-handedly referred to them as blue in their profile of the Eanes brothers. They possibly actually attempted some fact-checking, though, because it transpires that Donna Kelce is convinced that her son's eyes are blue.

This revelation caused enough of a kerfuffle that it worked its way back to the New Heights team and they addressed it in this week's No Dumb Questions segment. Jason agrees with me that they're green. Travis sided with all factions by saying that they change colors, but what he put on his (presumably now current) driver's license is green. Vindication!

He’s finally done it, the absolute madman. Patrick Mahomes completed a behind-the-back pass in a preseason game to—who else?—Travis Kelce.

( Hang this in the Louvre fr )

Much like Ahab’s quest for the titular whale, this feat was, according to Pat’s in-game interview, motivated by spite:

I mean, long story short, Travis didn't run the route he was supposed to run, and then it was kind of a behind-the-back pass kind of ’cause I was mad, I was pissed off at Travis. He was supposed to run a flat route—I don't know if you can hear me in the broadcast, I was yelling at him, and then he doesn't run it, so out of spite, I threw a behind-the-back pass, but now it's going to be a highlight.

Hilarious behavior. I'm going to throw you the ball, that'll show you! Pat, this flawed approach could be why you have limited success keeping Travis under control, I'm just saying.

Naturally, once I heard this, I was curious what Travis’s side of the story would be, and luckily he had his own in-game interview, since who even knows when the New Heights podcast is coming back.

You know, he’s got the voice thing, [incomprehensible frog noises], so he kind of mumbled out the play, I couldn't hear it, and I was walking up to the line and I was trying to, like, decipher what he was saying, and before I knew it, he snapped the ball, and, uh, yeah. And then I kind of saw him out of my peripheral run to the sideline, so I was trying to go help my guy out. By the time I looked over there, he was already in mid form, like a photo on a sports card, throwing the ball to me, so it was just, uh, I guess, right place at the right time.

Travis doesn't bust out his Pat impression too often, but whenever he does, it's gold. (Andy Reid supposedly does an incredible one, but alas, we, the public, will probably never hear it, because that's how he rolls.) Not that I think just anyone should be allowed to make fun of Pat’s voice, because that's rude and hurtful, but Travis can get away with it, like he can get away with not even knowing what he’s doing instead of running the correct route.

Now, this is all very fun, but preseason games are barely even games at all, only slightly more serious than practices. I still long to see the behind-the-back pass in a real game. Of course, like Pat said in the postgame, it has to happen naturally—they're not going actually call for it in the huddle, but when a play breaks down, Pat’s so good at recognizing opportunities, and if the stars align and he has this in his back pocket, he could finally pull the trigger on it, and it could be so beautiful…

Travis Kelce is publicly sticking to his originally stated timeline for retirement, i.e., not until the wheels come off, and also choosing to phrase it absolutely hilariously, so there's that. I guess there's no particular reason to worry that he didn't extend his contract past next season since he could easily do it whenever if he wants. At least now I can concentrate exclusively on worrying about injuries! This is a good hair length/beard length combo for me, too. I accept them all as they come but some of them are more enjoyable than others.

He and Jason also discussed Travis's only touchdown pass during the Teach Tape segment of New Heights last week, a play that is near and dear to my heart. Still on the wishlist would be a play where Pat gets to receive a pass from him. (Travis agrees that he was open! ❤️)

Speaking of whom, Pat pitched a football like a baseball during mandatory minicamp. I love these shenanigans. Also, there's a truism among sportswriters that “everyone looks good in shorts,” and they mean “every football player looks like they can play at a high level before padded practices begin,” but seriously, everyone looks good in shorts, ifyouknowwhatImean.

This leaked image looks like it comes from some extremely specific porn for people who are into jocks in tube socks, sugary breakfast cereals, micro/macro and vore:



I'll cop to two of those, anyway. Looking forward to seeing the actual ad approximately one jillion times during the upcoming NFL season!

I’m really enjoying this new NFL RPF fic! It’s so sweet and fun and more than a little saucy, and the Travis Kelce characterization is on point. Definitely going to subscribe to the author, someone named Taylor Swift? She really knows her stuff. Can’t wait to see what she writes next!

Three days, six games, and one inexcusable Peacock exclusive later, we have the bracket set for the divisional round. Is the newly-expanded “‘Super’ Wild Card Weekend” good? No. Is it wild? Also no. Is it a lot of football? Yes.

(5) Browns at (4) Texans

Ordinarily, I'd have been happy to root for a quarterback barely a year younger than me getting signed off the couch and leading his former division rival to the playoffs, an outcome both heartwarming and chaotic. Unfortunately, the team in question is the Cleveland Browns, and I would never want anything good for the Browns after they traded away a king's ransom in draft picks for the privilege of giving Deshaun Watson an unheard of fully-guaranteed five-year $230 million dollar contract after he was outed as a serial predator who sexually harassed or sexually assaulted at least twenty-two massage therapists, so I could hardly enjoy the Joe Flacco Renaissance.

It was extremely fitting that the Browns were matched up against the Texans, a team that rebuilt itself partially on the draft picks they got from the Browns for Watson, who, in addition to being evil, has also been ineffectual and injured for the Browns, the sin that even the amoral fans don't forgive. Speaking of sins, the Texans had a very weird period where they were taken over by Jack Easterby, a chaplain with minimal football experience who somehow rose through the ranks to become a kind of co-general manager and then interim general manager. During his brief but baffling reign, he released Andre Johnson and traded DeAndre Hopkins for peanuts, seemingly because he perceived them as threats to his leadership. However, the team course corrected quickly after someone broke his spell, hiring a good new coach, drafting a new young quarterback who's looked amazing all year, and, of course, using the aforementioned draft haul. They still have the Browns' first-round draft pick next year, too!

Joe Flacco turned back into a pumpkin and threw back-to-back pick-sixes. The Texans cruised to a 45-14 victory. This game was not very interesting to watch but at least the Browns were not rewarded for their bad behavior.

(6) Dolphins at (3) Chiefs

Extremely cynically, this game was selected to be made available only on Peacock, NBC's streaming service, unless you were in the home market of one of the teams playing, in which case they are still required to show it on actual broadcast television. I hate this. NBC is bragging that they set a “new record” with 23 million viewers, which is indeed the most viewers for a streaming-exclusive playoff game in history, since it's also the only streaming-exclusive playoff game in history. Meanwhile, Browns-Texans, an utterly uncompetitive rout, easily drew a casual 29 million viewers in the afternoon slot because they put it on actual fucking NBC.

The game itself was pretty fun! I mean, not if you like the Dolphins, or close final scores, or seeing more total touchdowns scored than field goals kicked, but the game was competitive for longer than the final score of 26-7 would suggest, and there was also plenty of extreme weather-related amusement, from Andy Reid's mustache freezing to Patrick Mahomes's helmet shattering on contact. (That was obviously also worrisome, but they got it replaced with minimal disruption and everyone was okay, so all's well that ends well.)

My favorite play of the game was this pass to Travis Kelce, where he fell on the Dolphins player who tackled him in such a way that he was never actually rendered down by contact and then popped back up to gain more yardage and a first down. It's just a little thing, but it's a fun combination of luck and high football IQ. Overall, the team looked a little more like themselves than they have all year, and while I still don't have expectations of a deep playoff run, I at least believe that it's plausible that they could avoid embarrassing themselves for as many games as they manage to stay in it.

Taylor Swift and Brittany Mahomes wore matching football jersey winter coats customized by Kristin Juszczyk, wife of the 49ers' fullback. They look like they're having a lot of fun and it's adorable.

(7) Packers at (2) Cowboys

For the first time since the expansion of the playoffs in 2021, a seven seed has defeated a two seed and advanced to the divisional round. The game wasn't even as close as the final score of 48 to 32 makes it look, and that is actually not very close at all. This is hilarious because the Cowboys found a completely new way to disappoint their large and annoying fanbase, but it is also terrible because the Packers are still in the playoffs. Albeit they are matched up against against the 49ers, who currently have a four-game postseason winning streak against them dating back twelve years, so hopefully they will not stick around for long. (I live in the AFC West but I come from the NFC North and I maintain the traditional grudges of my people.)

Does this unprecedented outcome justify the addition of two whole wild card games every year? No, it is an abomination.

(6) Rams at (3) Lions

This was another narrative game that they clearly scripted up in the NFL writers' room. Matt Stafford had endured twelve years of futility with the Lions when the Rams came calling, looking to jettison former number one overall pick Jared Goff. This trade paid off immediately for the Rams, who won a Super Bowl with Stafford in his first year. Meanwhile, the Lions ended up hanging on to Goff, who had almost been an afterthought in the trade, and when they won the NFC North for the first time since that division was even created and earned a home playoff game for the first time in exactly thirty years, it was only fitting that their opponent should be Matt Stafford and his new team.

This was the only game all weekend with any interest at all for the neutral fan. Matt Stafford battled valiantly through a painful-looking hand injury and Puka Nacua set a new single-game receiving yards by a rookie record, but Jared Goff edged them 24-23 for his revenge, best served cold. Although Detroit has a dome, so it was probably actually pretty warm.

(7) Steelers at (2) Bills

This game had to be delayed a day due to a blizzard but the Steelers could only put off the inevitable for so long. The Bills have been a confusing team this year because as far as I've been able to tell they either look amazing or terrible with no in between, but they had no difficulty making the Steelers look like they didn't belong here in this game. Which they didn't. The seven seed is an abomination

I was rooting, however futilely, for the Steelers to come out on top, since that would have meant that the Chiefs got another home game against the Texans next week, but a 31-17 Bills win means that Patrick Mahomes is headed to Orchard Park for his very first away playoff game. In six years as a starter, Mahomes has played in fifteen postseason games so far, and they have been twelve home games and three Super Bowls. Obviously, the Chiefs demonstrated this week that they're not afraid of playing in the cold, but it's still nice to have a home crowd. Alas.

(5) Eagles at (4) Buccaneers

This game was just sad. I felt bad for Jason Kelce, whom I've really gotten to know from all the hours of podcasting with his little brother as well as well as the intimate documentary on Prime Video. The Eagles' 11-6 record disguises the fact that the team had been in freefall for the last third of their season and this game was more of the same. Even the “Brotherly Shove,” their signature unstoppable version of the quarterback sneak, was stoppable in this game, possibly because they overused it for a want of confidence in any other plays. Jalen Hurts apparently cannot read the defense properly when he's moving left, which might be what Nick Bosa was talking about when he said that the 49ers had figured him out. He's not an ambi-turner, okay?

I was extremely not surprised when Jason decided to retire after that game, because he looked completely done with everything by the end. It was at least a little bit satisfying that the Bucs managed to win a playoff game with Baker Mayfield at quarterback, since he was the one that the Browns cast off so they could overpay for a serial sex offender instead.