FIC: First Axiom of Slash
Feb. 26th, 2005 12:01 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mayhapHee. I found this in my plot bunnies folder and figured I might as well post it. It is wee, silly, and meta.
First Axiom of Slash
Our Hero/His Trusty Sidekick
Suitable for all audiences.
"Have you ever noticed that there’s a certain, you know, gender imbalance here?"
Our Hero stopped what he was doing for a moment to stare at His Trusty Sidekick. "Gender imbalance? What are you talking about?"
"Well, I mean, you're a guy, obviously, and so am I. Comedic Relief and Computer Geek are both guys. Evil Mastermind and His Slimy Minions? All guys. In fact, I think the only women around here are Our Heroine and the Double Agent."
"I really don't see what this, this census-taking has to do with anything," Our Hero snapped, distractedly.
"Well, first of all, this is a pretty big statistical improbability, you know? The human race is supposed to be composed of males and females, about fifty-fifty of each, and actually the women have a tiny statistical advantage."
"So?"
"So we only have two women. That's more like twenty percent."
Our Hero groaned. "This is starting to sound like one of those stupid word problems from math class," he said. "I thought I was done with those for the rest of my life. They don't have anything do do with the real world."
"But this is a real problem, don’t you see?" Trusty Sidekick said, earnestly.
"Problem? What problem?" Our Hero stared at Sidekick, bewildered.
"Well, it's all very well and good for you, because everyone knows you're going to end up with Our Heroine. But—"
"I am?"
"Yes, you totally are. But—"
"But she hates me!"
Trusty Sidekick gave Our Hero a withering look. "Yeah, right," he said. "But anyway, how are eight men supposed to hook up with two women? It's a mathematical impossibility. We're doomed to die alone and unloved because there just aren't enough female characters to go around."
"Okay, okay, I get it," said Our Hero, irritably. "I could try to set you up with Double Agent, if you like."
Trusty Sidekick made a face. "No thanks," he said, "I think she's trouble."
Our Hero threw up his hands. "So just what is it that you want, anyway?"
"Just this," Sidekick said, and he took two handfuls of Our Hero's shirt and pulled, hard, until he had him where he wanted him, and then he kissed him.
"Mmph! Mmph!" said Our Hero. His Trusty Sidekick took a step backwards, but only after he had thoroughly despoiled Our Hero's mouth.
"There. You can get on with saving the world, now," Sidekick said, sadly.
Our Hero wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and then looked around, furtively. "Can we do that again?"
First Axiom of Slash
Our Hero/His Trusty Sidekick
Suitable for all audiences.
"Have you ever noticed that there’s a certain, you know, gender imbalance here?"
Our Hero stopped what he was doing for a moment to stare at His Trusty Sidekick. "Gender imbalance? What are you talking about?"
"Well, I mean, you're a guy, obviously, and so am I. Comedic Relief and Computer Geek are both guys. Evil Mastermind and His Slimy Minions? All guys. In fact, I think the only women around here are Our Heroine and the Double Agent."
"I really don't see what this, this census-taking has to do with anything," Our Hero snapped, distractedly.
"Well, first of all, this is a pretty big statistical improbability, you know? The human race is supposed to be composed of males and females, about fifty-fifty of each, and actually the women have a tiny statistical advantage."
"So?"
"So we only have two women. That's more like twenty percent."
Our Hero groaned. "This is starting to sound like one of those stupid word problems from math class," he said. "I thought I was done with those for the rest of my life. They don't have anything do do with the real world."
"But this is a real problem, don’t you see?" Trusty Sidekick said, earnestly.
"Problem? What problem?" Our Hero stared at Sidekick, bewildered.
"Well, it's all very well and good for you, because everyone knows you're going to end up with Our Heroine. But—"
"I am?"
"Yes, you totally are. But—"
"But she hates me!"
Trusty Sidekick gave Our Hero a withering look. "Yeah, right," he said. "But anyway, how are eight men supposed to hook up with two women? It's a mathematical impossibility. We're doomed to die alone and unloved because there just aren't enough female characters to go around."
"Okay, okay, I get it," said Our Hero, irritably. "I could try to set you up with Double Agent, if you like."
Trusty Sidekick made a face. "No thanks," he said, "I think she's trouble."
Our Hero threw up his hands. "So just what is it that you want, anyway?"
"Just this," Sidekick said, and he took two handfuls of Our Hero's shirt and pulled, hard, until he had him where he wanted him, and then he kissed him.
"Mmph! Mmph!" said Our Hero. His Trusty Sidekick took a step backwards, but only after he had thoroughly despoiled Our Hero's mouth.
"There. You can get on with saving the world, now," Sidekick said, sadly.
Our Hero wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and then looked around, furtively. "Can we do that again?"
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Date: 2005-02-26 05:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-26 05:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-26 05:08 am (UTC)Hooray. Perfection.
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Date: 2005-02-26 05:12 am (UTC)*consoles the cats*
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Date: 2005-02-26 05:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-26 05:21 am (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2005-02-26 06:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-26 06:04 am (UTC)*takes notes*
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Date: 2005-02-26 05:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-26 05:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-26 05:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-26 06:01 am (UTC)Also, we should totally go up to the Cloisters and g33k out on medieval art, or something.
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Date: 2005-02-26 06:08 am (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2005-02-26 06:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-26 06:15 am (UTC)OTP!
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Date: 2005-02-26 06:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-06 10:58 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2005-03-08 02:11 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2005-09-18 11:20 pm (UTC)That's my band! Rock on, and thanks for listening!