NFL Wild Card Preview: the Hate Matrix
Jan. 10th, 2026 02:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mayhapThe NFL got me a Wild Card Weekend for my birthday but they neglected to put a Patrick Mahomes in it. Don't think Roger Goodell read my wishlist very carefully, probably because he was too busy concocting evil schemes like blowing out the TV ratings record by making the Chiefs play the Cowboys on Thanksgiving and scheduling us into a bunch of other inconvenient times and places. Oh well, nothing left to do now but watch and root for the teams that I hate the most to lose to the teams that I hate at least somewhat less.
(1) Denver Broncos — hard to say if I hate them more for simply being the Denver Broncos or for now being coached by Sean Payton, last man standing from Bountygate, who should have been banned from football for life and not just a year. I'll just call it a tie. I think they're a bit fraudulent as the one seed, but possession of the sole precious bye does increase the likelihood of them fluking into a deeper playoff run. At least I don't have to watch them this weekend.
(7) Los Angeles Chargers at (2) New England Patriots — The seven seed is perfectly suitable for the Chargers since they don't belong in the playoffs the same way they don't belong in Los Angeles, crashing on the Rams' couch without any dignity. They belong in San Diego with their long-suffering fanbase who have become properly inured to their rake-stepping ways. I think they're too banged up to be a serious threat this year, which is a relief. Jim Harbaugh is a weirdo and I feel like he's high-key sexually harassing Justin Herbert all the time in a way that makes me uncomfortable. Not all coach/player pairings are good!
The Patriots should not have gotten this good again this fast. In fact, we deserve at least a century of the Patriots being bad, to balance out the Brady years. I blame Amy Adams Strunk, owner of the Titans, for firing Mike Vrabel in a snit and bailing the Patriots out of their self-inflicted Jerod Mayo disaster after one short year of flailing at the head coach position. How's that going for you, Amy? Just infuriating.
The Pats have the edge here because they have already accomplished so many things that I hate them for, whereas I merely hate the possibility of the Chargers accomplishing something for once in the future.
(6) Buffalo Bills at (3) Jacksonville Jaguars — Bills fans lynched Mahomes in effigy and threw snowballs at him and the other players during the AFC Championship game that they hosted in 2024. I hope that their fanbase never experiences another moment of sports joy in their miserable lives. I hope that the aforementioned fans in particular break their necks jumping through folding tables and die of exposure and alcohol poisoning. Sean McDermott did 9/11. Josh Allen seems like a nice enough dude and all but he plays for the Bills and also he looks like a cow, I can't unsee it.
I might hate the Jags the least of any of the AFC teams? They did cause those two weird clavicle injuries we had, but they seemed fluky. They also sprained Pat's ankle in the divisional round in 2023 and that felt more intentionally dirty, but he did go on to win the Super Bowl on it, so. They got completely boned by the refs in the AFC Championship game in 2018 to set up that unwatchable Super Bowl between the Rams and the Patriots. Jason was my favorite part of The Good Place. Trevor Lawrence let a woman squat him at a bar. I definitely feel like they are the funniest option to win it all.
The Bills are very clearly the most hated team in this matchup.
(5) Houston Texans at (4) Pittsburgh Steelers — The Texans barely feel like a real team. Generic name, generic logo, barely any history in the NFL, although they do have some absolutely bonkers internal drama. It would be hard for me to summon any strong feelings about them were it not for the fact that they employ Azeez Al-Shaair, who hasn't actually killed anyone on the field yet but not for want of trying. They even chose him as their Walter Payton NFL Man of the Year Club Winner. Fuck the Houston Texans.
The Steelers, on the other hand, have a long and fully hatable history. They are well-matched with Aaron Rodgers, who is also old and hatable. However, I was low-key rooting for them to win their division because it would be hilarious, which they did and it was. Similarly, I feel like it would be funny for them to win this game if at all possible. Old Man Rodgers might have to get the ball out within half a second to avoid being literally killed.
The Texans get the nod because I think it would be funnier for the Steelers to win and also because Rodgers is the last player left who is older than I am now that Philip Rivers has phased back into retirement.
(1) Seattle Seahawks — They're pretty whatever to me as a team. However, if Sam Darnold refrains from turning back into a pumpkin this year after the disasterclass he put on for the Vikings last year, I will find that irritating.
(7) Green Bay Packers at Chicago Bears — I only really follow the Vikings on behalf of my family members who are actual fans, but I do hate the Packers due to this. It's just pure divisional rival hatred, very straightforward.
The Bears are also in the Vikings' division, but that's not the main reason why I hate them. I hate the Bears because I hate Caleb Williams. To be clear, I don't hate Caleb Williams because he paints his nails or because he cried to his mother after a game. Those haters suck. I hate Caleb Williams because coming into the league he claimed that Pat wasn't a top quarterback in the league in 2024, a take so hot that it won't be inhabitable due to radioactivity for another 20,000 years, like Chernobyl. It was great watching him crash and burn his rookie year. The Bears are better this year under a new head coach, but maybe not as good as their record says they are.
I wish the Bears no success as long as Caleb Williams is playing and has not renounced his Pat disrespect.
(6) San Francisco 49ers at (3) Philadelphia Eagles — I don't really have anything against the 49ers. I really like how they can't seem beat the Chiefs in Super Bowls. Probably this is more hurtful than hatred would be.
Now that Jason doesn't play for the Eagles anymore I just really hate Nick Sirianni, the most punchable man in the NFL. Also, they are playing a brand of football that is nigh unwatchable this year, so purely for my own enjoyment, I hope they go one and done so I am exposed to as little of it as possible. The vibes are also very bad. If they make some changes, I could go back to being better disposed towards them.
Please, don't make me watch these Eagles for more than one game.
(5) Los Angeles Rams at (4) Carolina Panthers — The Rams are pretty fun to watch. I rooted for them in 2022 against the Bengals after they knocked us out and I would do it again. There's a lot of fanbase overlap and cross-promotion with the Dodgers, whom I am fully a fan of.
The Panthers are literally a joke here. The NFC South needs to get its shit together. Three teams with an 8-9 record is so unserious.
The Panthers are almost too pathetic to hate, as such, but they should not be here.
AFC
(1) Denver Broncos — hard to say if I hate them more for simply being the Denver Broncos or for now being coached by Sean Payton, last man standing from Bountygate, who should have been banned from football for life and not just a year. I'll just call it a tie. I think they're a bit fraudulent as the one seed, but possession of the sole precious bye does increase the likelihood of them fluking into a deeper playoff run. At least I don't have to watch them this weekend.
(7) Los Angeles Chargers at (2) New England Patriots — The seven seed is perfectly suitable for the Chargers since they don't belong in the playoffs the same way they don't belong in Los Angeles, crashing on the Rams' couch without any dignity. They belong in San Diego with their long-suffering fanbase who have become properly inured to their rake-stepping ways. I think they're too banged up to be a serious threat this year, which is a relief. Jim Harbaugh is a weirdo and I feel like he's high-key sexually harassing Justin Herbert all the time in a way that makes me uncomfortable. Not all coach/player pairings are good!
The Patriots should not have gotten this good again this fast. In fact, we deserve at least a century of the Patriots being bad, to balance out the Brady years. I blame Amy Adams Strunk, owner of the Titans, for firing Mike Vrabel in a snit and bailing the Patriots out of their self-inflicted Jerod Mayo disaster after one short year of flailing at the head coach position. How's that going for you, Amy? Just infuriating.
The Pats have the edge here because they have already accomplished so many things that I hate them for, whereas I merely hate the possibility of the Chargers accomplishing something for once in the future.
(6) Buffalo Bills at (3) Jacksonville Jaguars — Bills fans lynched Mahomes in effigy and threw snowballs at him and the other players during the AFC Championship game that they hosted in 2024. I hope that their fanbase never experiences another moment of sports joy in their miserable lives. I hope that the aforementioned fans in particular break their necks jumping through folding tables and die of exposure and alcohol poisoning. Sean McDermott did 9/11. Josh Allen seems like a nice enough dude and all but he plays for the Bills and also he looks like a cow, I can't unsee it.
I might hate the Jags the least of any of the AFC teams? They did cause those two weird clavicle injuries we had, but they seemed fluky. They also sprained Pat's ankle in the divisional round in 2023 and that felt more intentionally dirty, but he did go on to win the Super Bowl on it, so. They got completely boned by the refs in the AFC Championship game in 2018 to set up that unwatchable Super Bowl between the Rams and the Patriots. Jason was my favorite part of The Good Place. Trevor Lawrence let a woman squat him at a bar. I definitely feel like they are the funniest option to win it all.
The Bills are very clearly the most hated team in this matchup.
(5) Houston Texans at (4) Pittsburgh Steelers — The Texans barely feel like a real team. Generic name, generic logo, barely any history in the NFL, although they do have some absolutely bonkers internal drama. It would be hard for me to summon any strong feelings about them were it not for the fact that they employ Azeez Al-Shaair, who hasn't actually killed anyone on the field yet but not for want of trying. They even chose him as their Walter Payton NFL Man of the Year Club Winner. Fuck the Houston Texans.
The Steelers, on the other hand, have a long and fully hatable history. They are well-matched with Aaron Rodgers, who is also old and hatable. However, I was low-key rooting for them to win their division because it would be hilarious, which they did and it was. Similarly, I feel like it would be funny for them to win this game if at all possible. Old Man Rodgers might have to get the ball out within half a second to avoid being literally killed.
The Texans get the nod because I think it would be funnier for the Steelers to win and also because Rodgers is the last player left who is older than I am now that Philip Rivers has phased back into retirement.
NFC
(1) Seattle Seahawks — They're pretty whatever to me as a team. However, if Sam Darnold refrains from turning back into a pumpkin this year after the disasterclass he put on for the Vikings last year, I will find that irritating.
(7) Green Bay Packers at Chicago Bears — I only really follow the Vikings on behalf of my family members who are actual fans, but I do hate the Packers due to this. It's just pure divisional rival hatred, very straightforward.
The Bears are also in the Vikings' division, but that's not the main reason why I hate them. I hate the Bears because I hate Caleb Williams. To be clear, I don't hate Caleb Williams because he paints his nails or because he cried to his mother after a game. Those haters suck. I hate Caleb Williams because coming into the league he claimed that Pat wasn't a top quarterback in the league in 2024, a take so hot that it won't be inhabitable due to radioactivity for another 20,000 years, like Chernobyl. It was great watching him crash and burn his rookie year. The Bears are better this year under a new head coach, but maybe not as good as their record says they are.
I wish the Bears no success as long as Caleb Williams is playing and has not renounced his Pat disrespect.
(6) San Francisco 49ers at (3) Philadelphia Eagles — I don't really have anything against the 49ers. I really like how they can't seem beat the Chiefs in Super Bowls. Probably this is more hurtful than hatred would be.
Now that Jason doesn't play for the Eagles anymore I just really hate Nick Sirianni, the most punchable man in the NFL. Also, they are playing a brand of football that is nigh unwatchable this year, so purely for my own enjoyment, I hope they go one and done so I am exposed to as little of it as possible. The vibes are also very bad. If they make some changes, I could go back to being better disposed towards them.
Please, don't make me watch these Eagles for more than one game.
(5) Los Angeles Rams at (4) Carolina Panthers — The Rams are pretty fun to watch. I rooted for them in 2022 against the Bengals after they knocked us out and I would do it again. There's a lot of fanbase overlap and cross-promotion with the Dodgers, whom I am fully a fan of.
The Panthers are literally a joke here. The NFC South needs to get its shit together. Three teams with an 8-9 record is so unserious.
The Panthers are almost too pathetic to hate, as such, but they should not be here.