potentialities

You all know the cliché of the trashy paperback romance novels that fall open to the well-thumbed sex scenes, but is it really true? Or does it contain approximately as much realism as the trashy paperback romance novels themselves?

Hypothesis: Sex scenes are not the leading cause of broken spines in trashy paperback romance novels.

Methodology:

Today I examined a large quantity of paperback romance novels, with copyright dates ranging from the 1970s to the 2000s, all of which were donated used to the local public library and then circulated in their own section specifically apportioned to donated paperback romance novels, which may be then removed from the library with no due date or in fact obligation to return them at all. I removed each novel from the shelf, flipped through it, and either returned it to the shelf or placed it on a cart to be disposed of.

Beginning among the books by authors with last names beginning with H,¹ each book was particularly examined for Visible Spine Breakage, or VSB. In each instance of VSB, the noteworthy contents of the page(s) to which the book fell open were marked on my official tally sheet.²

Results:

A sample of 158 books with instances of VSB was obtained. The causes of VSB in these books were distributed as follows:

( Fig. 1 )

Chits:³ 40 (25%)
Sex scenes: 29 (18%)
Kisses: 10 (6%)
Contracting of sexual slavery: 4 (3%)
Proposals: 2 (1%)
Marriages: 1 (less than 1%)
Erotic dreams: 1 (less than 1%)
Births: 1 (less than 1%)
Bible verses: 1 (less than 1%)
Gay pride parades and the Southern Baptist Convention:⁴ 1 (less than 1%)
Other: 43%

Sex scenes, although charitably interpreted to include scenes which merely implied sex in a "fade to black scenario", accounted for a mere 18% of VSB, coming well behind chits, those obnoxious cards found in the middle of many trashy paperback romance novels, which caused an impressive quarter of incidents of VSB, both when still present in the novel and when a reader of the novel had previously attempted to remove them.

Other romantic scenarios, including kisses, proposals, marriages and erotic dreams, together account for another 8% of VSB incidents. In four incidents, scenes of sexual slavery, where the heroine is presented for sexual appraisal, caused VSB where the sex scenes that presumably followed did not. Other elements, such as births, Bible verses, gay pride parades, and the Southern Baptist Convention, were notable as causes of VSB only in their complete unexpectedness.

However, a plurality of incidents of VSB appeared to have no discernible cause and were simply marked as "Other". Possible causes of VSB in these cases include laying books aside, face-down, other mishandling, and shoddy production of the books themselves.

Possible flaws in methodology:

1. The selection process, involving donation of unwanted books, and then these books remaining on the shelf in order for them to be present for me to examine them at this time, would tend not to present a fully representative sample of trashy paperback romance novels.
   
2. The researcher did not read a single one of the books used in the study, although she did examine a certain quantity of pages after each incident of VSB in order to determine whether, often against all odds, these characters were in fact commencing a sex scene.
   
3. Nearly all of the research materials have now been destroyed, owing to their present location inside a dumpster in the rain.

Conclusion: Although trashy paperback romance novels are also free and easily obtained, it is much easier to find sex scenes on the internet, for which I must thank you all.

A side note: In my perusal of the aforementioned chits, I noticed that many of them contained offers of free books, usually in addition to mystery gifts. From the chits present in my sample, one could have obtained 110 free books, an amount nearly equal to the number of books in the VSB sample, and 49 mystery gifts. In instances where the possibility was offered of scratching off an area with coin or a fingernail and then comparing it to a chart of possible free items, the maximum number of free items was obtained in 100% of instances.

( Fig. 2 )

¹Because this is when my hypothesis occurred to me.
²A USPS notice of failed delivery that I found in one of the books.
³Those obnoxious cards found in the middle of many trashy paperback romance novels.
⁴In the scene to which this novel opened, the heroine's friend was informing the heroine that the hero, whom the heroine had her eye on, had been attending gay pride parades to meet up with gay men. When the heroine expressed ignorance and dismay, her friend told her that she would have already known this if she had been attending the Southern Baptist Convention meetings, where it was being spoken of.

I am totally a Mary Sue from ff.net and I don't even care: I love my Slytherin t-shirt from Hot Topic.

(Hey, it was $8. And I was there in the first place with my brother, whose entire wardrobe consists of Nintendo shirts.)

Today I helped Danny's robotics team work on the various essays they need to submit for possible awards and a yearbook-type publication. We came up with serious BS-y answers to all kinds of questions like "Tell us about your community" and "Describe your team's greatest challenge", but when we got to "Robot and Game Strategy", we finally settled on:

01010100 01101111 00100000 01110111 01101001 01101110 00100001

My other suggestion, "World domination", was too many characters.

In English, Henry is a tennis enthusiast, but en français, he plays (among other things) cricket:

Becket. ... My prince, when you play tennis, do you simply sit back and let things work out. Do you wait for the ball to hit your racket and say "It's bound to come this way eventually"?

King. Ah, now just a minute. You're talking about things that matter. A game of tennis is important, it amuses me.

Becket. And suppose I were to tell you that governing can be as amusing as a game of tennis? Are we going to let the others smash the ball into our court, my prince, or shall we try to score a point, both of us, like two good English sportsmen?

King. (Suddenly roused by his sporting instinct) The point, Begod, the point! You're right! On the court, I sweat and strain, I fall over my feet, I half kill myself, I'll cheat if need be, but I never give up the point!

Translated by Lucienne Hill

Becket. ... Mon prince, quant vous jouez à la paume ou à la crosse, laissez-vous les choses s'arranger? Attendez-vous la balle dans votre raquette en disant : « Elle finira bien par venir? »

Le roi. Je t'arrête. Il s'agit là de choses sérieuses. Une partie de paume c'est important, ça m'amuse.

Becket. Et si je vous apprenais que gouverner cela peut être aussi amusant qu'une partie de cricket? Allons-nous laisser la balle aux autres, mon prince, ou allons-nous tâcher de marquer le point tous les deux, comme deux bons joueurs anglais?

Le roi, réveillé soudain par l'intérêt sportif. Le point, pardieu, le point! Au mail, je me creve, je tombe, je me désosse, je triche au besoin, mais je n'abandonne jamais le point!

I find this unutterably adorable for some reason. Probably because I learned everything I know about cricket from P.G. Wodehouse, Dorothy Sayers, and Douglas Adams. If I could draw, I would spam you all with pictures of Henry and Thomas playing cricket.

My ickle brother made me a bracelet out of a fork.

Wow. So it turns out that the fabulous picture that I scanned from Newsweek some months back depicting Bill Gates lounging on his desk, lobbing floppies at the camera has a companion shot of Bill snuggling with an IBM monitor that is even better than the first one. Both can be conveniently found here.

Just ... wow.